The year 2000 computer bug. Commonly referred to as Y2K, the year 2000 problem, the millennium bug or just plain ol' Oops! We all have a pretty good idea what it is and what kind potential it has for wreaking havoc upon humanity. But aren't you getting tired of listening to all the hype associated with this little bugger? It wouldn't be so bad if everyone agreed on just what exactly will happen at midnight on Dec. 31st, 1999, but nobody does. Ask ten different computer experts what's going to happen and you'll get ten different answers ranging from, "Not much," to, "It's hard to say" to "The total breakdown of civilization as we know it."
With such wide ranging possibilities lurking over the horizon, I've concluded that no one really knows what the hell's gonna happen in January, at least not when talking about our banking institutions, power plant companies, sewage treatment plants, transportation and distribution industries, satellite and communications, nuclear missile launch sites, etc., so I've decided to leave the discussion of those dry, unimportant topics to the experts and focus my energies on things that really matter to all of us.
I've done extensive research on the compliancy issues of Y2K on a number of items that I feel the 'experts' have overlooked and I'm happy to share my findings with you, my dear reader. I think it's safe to say that nowhere else on earth will you find the following information:
• All coffee cups manufactured for home use are Y2K compliant. However, a few of the fat top, skinny-based travel mugs will tip over and spill if you hit a speed bump at too high a speed or turn a corner too quickly after Jan. 1st. The only known fix for this embedded dilemma is to fill the bottom of the cup with five dollars worth of quarters before adding coffee.
• Jewelry, such as clip-on earrings, bracelets, anklets, necklaces, wedding rings, engagement rings, mother's rings, school rings, and watches will be unaffected by Y2K. However, jewelry that requires the piercing of a body part will not fare as well, I'm sorry to say. For instance, jewelry requiring man-made holes in ears, eyebrows, tongues, lips, nose, belly buttons, and other unmentionable body parts will, after January 1st, cause said body part to swell to three or more times its normal size. I have traced this upcoming phenomenon not to the jewelry but to a heretofore unknown, embedded enzyme in the human brain that will be triggered each time the human brain fails to recognize the year 2000; like when you write out a check and inadvertently start writing 19 something or other instead of 2000 in the date field. Fortunately, this enzyme will become dormant again for another thousand years once the brain gets accustomed to recognizing the millennium 2000. Until then I recommend steering clear of all body piercing ornaments.
• You'll be happy to learn that your common household toilet bowl and bathtub are entirely Y2K compliant, with one exception. That exception being the toilet bowls and bathtubs within the city limits of Nome, Alaska. Unfortunately the Nomeite toilets will cease to flush and their bathtubs refuse to drain. The Nomeites are in for a rough time.
• All brands of men's boxer shorts are Y2K compliant; men's briefs are not. I'm not really sure why this is but early research indicates that 92% of the elastic bands on men's briefs will dissolve within the first week of January 2000. Yeah, I thought this was strange too, but that's what my research indicates.
• Bubble gum will no longer be able to produce bubbles due to the millennium bug. The people at the Bazooka and Bubble Yum factories were upset when I told them that their gum was not Y2K compatible. They are frantically searching for a bubble solution but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for one.
• Child resistant caps on all medicine containers will continue to function as they have in the past. However, pogo sticks manufactured before June 22nd, 1999 will cease to pogo, leaving thousands of pogo stick enthusiast bounceless.
• The millennium bug will bring with it the extinction of all domesticated goldfish living in fish tanks with a capacity of 3 gallons or less. Again, I'm unable to pinpoint the connection between goldfish and Y2K but trust me, if you own goldfish and they are living in a small tank, their days are numbered.
• The Interstate Highway System in the United States will also get bitten by the Y2K bug. As of Jan.1, 2000, all interstate highways in this country will lead to Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The city fathers in Tuscaloosa are gearing up for a record breaking tourist season. Motorists desiring to reach other cities in the U.S. will be forced to use state highways and other secondary roads.
• The 45th parallel will slip due to the millennium insectile invasion. According to my studies, on January 4th, 2000, scientists will discover that the imaginary longitudinal line around the globe known as the 45th parallel will have inexplicably moved south and have come to rest between the 26th and 27th parallels, bringing with it the cooler weather patterns of the north. This will raise great debate in the scientific community over what name to give this new line of demarcation.
• The Pillsbury Dough Boy will unexpectedly lose 53% of his body fat and be forced to resign his enviable position as the Pillsbury poster boy. Don't be surprised if Dough Boy is replaced by Austin Powers' enemy, Fat Bastard. The Michelin Tire Man will be unaffected by the year 2000 bugaboo.
These are just a handful of the heretofore unpublicized consequences of the great Year 2000 computer bug. One wouldn't think that a flaw in the way computers keep track of time would have such a wide ranging effect on so many other nontechnical aspects of everyday life. But if my research is to be believed—and I see no reason why it shouldn't—we're in for one helluva millennium.
•Pete Miner• <pete@mymac.com>
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